he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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