Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i think i just lost a toe
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
