I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
