I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
