He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
