Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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