Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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