Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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