I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
