i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
