I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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