I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
