the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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