the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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