My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
