think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
