haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
