Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize