i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
