Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Randomize
