when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
