turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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