Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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