Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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