Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
