Sponge bath it is.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Randomize
