I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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