I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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