What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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