It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
