Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
