I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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