You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
