First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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