i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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