Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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