so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
