How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
