so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
