I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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