My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
