so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
