I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
