that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
