Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
