I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
