Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
