This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
