wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
