i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
