dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
my liver is dry heaving
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
