there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Threesome in a minivan. New low
That was an excessively violent trivia night
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
