if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
