And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Let's get the cat blown out
Randomize
