Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
