I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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