Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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