I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
