I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
