Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
