drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
