guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
