Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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