Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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