Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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