I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
