so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
