Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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