I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Everclear isn't food dammit
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
