I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just google imaged poop.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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